The other day my best friend invited me for some girl time and we went shopping at the Wee Cycle event that is held annually at our local fairgrounds. (This is where parents can bring gently used baby and kid items and resell them at a discounted price - toys, clothes, strollers, etc.) When she asked me to join her, the first thought through my mind was, "I only have a few dollars, but please Lord, let me find something for our future baby boy. A token, some kind of reminder that I can hold on to when things look bleak." I'm just that way. This baby may not even be conceived yet - we don't know God's timing - and I bet it's going to be a long time before we get to look into this baby's eyes, give him a name, snuggle him... I have to have something tangible to keep me going.
Looking around, I noticed the newborn items and wandered over. I immediately spotted it - a "never worn" set of boy body suits, one of which had a catcher's mitt and the words "I'm a great catch" embroidered on it. I knew this was what I was looking for. Once I was home I couldn't resist taking the tags off and just snuggling it for a moment, imagining the day our little one will fill it out and rest in our arms. I did the same thing while I was pregnant with the girls and Bubba too. With Emmy it was a purple onesie with a butterfly, with Alayna it was pink sleeper with hearts all over it - I can remember standing in her room and the very moment when I could imagine her in it, all squirmy and sweet - and with Reese it was a blue sleeper with little monkeys. So I suppose I'm carrying on the tradition in a way...
It feels like this process will be so very long and because of that, difficult for me. (Tyler is better at waiting than I am.) So many things are uncertain with an adoption: you can't see things develop the same way that you can when your own body grows and you know that one day you will just pop and here he is!
So far we have received one donation, (still planning fundraisers) and we did a little happy dance in that moment (okay, I did a happy dance.) Then the next evening we took a moment, just Ty and myself to ceremoniously stick that bill into an old baby wipe box labeled "little brother." (This title is for the kids' benefit, to remind them that they can contribute too in their own way. If they find a coin on the street or if they choose to use a dollar of their own money at some point we want to encourage them. They don't have to, but we want them to know they are a big part of this too.) It was a very quiet moment and even in it's simplicity and lack of all grandeur it felt so significant. Tyler and I looked at each other and he nodded and said, "It's a start."
Day by day, I know that little bits will be added and our hope is that, as I read from another adoptive moms blog, we will learn to praise God on the days when we gain something and praise him the same on the days when we see no progress at all. I am already starting to see that God has a lot of growing up in store for me, personally. I'll probably fight it, kicking and screaming at least some of the time but I hope to ultimately become more and more of the person, the parent, the woman God intends me to be. We all hope to grow and become ready to receive this blessing into our home.
I grow a little jealous each time I see a set of parents holding their newly adopted baby on the site of the group we have chosen to work with but then I remember that there's an inspiration behind that twinge of jealousy and focus on the why instead of the emotion itself (which is clearly unproductive). I have resolved to remember that we have been given a passion for this, that some day it will be our turn and we have SO much work to do in the mean time so it's okay. God is working, his plans were started long, long ago. The tapestry is no where near complete but it is already beautiful, and however it all works out, whoever this child is that we are being prepared for, he's most assuredly going to be a "Great Catch!" : )
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